random whisperings

This page is just some thoughts...whispering of my soul....that i want to share.....

Added June 10, 2002 ~~~> web journal

1/7/98

can a heart harden? become numb so that nothing can get through? do you believe love can last forever? do you think protecting yourself from love is bad? have you ever been standing in a fog and hear people telling you that they are there for you but when the fog clears you are alone? that they could not stand waiting for the fog to clear....or you pushed them away - needing to get through the fog by yourself and on your own. have you ever been so caught in a "low" - that you do not hear the people who love you the most - hear their love and support and encouragement, so that the only option they have is to back off and make you realize you have to see - because it does not matter how many time the people who tell you that it is there - the beauty and wisdom - until you believe it yourself their words are useless....and only hurt them more by speaking them to deaf ears and heart. Can you ever find someone who respect the thoughts that come out your mind? who even though might not agree with them tries to be understanding about them? is there times when we need to be selfish? is there times when the hurt get so much it pushes us to see ourselves differently....but makes us stronger?

i have lived 29 yrs for others....where did it get me? not very far emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically. i have lived and loved, but insecurities drove me to place that i locked every feeling i did have left after the rapes into a little box with a BIG lock and no key. then one day the after looking hard and fighting with myself i reached into my pocket to find the key. i unlocked and felt. not always a good thing but the only way to truly live. with that unlocking of the box i started to love again...myself first....and then i added others who i fell in love with for the first time or others who i had loved forever just not always feeling their love for i did not love myself. . i gave them me....showed them love. my lid on the box still closes at time, but it never locks again. it has closed when i get hurt by those who love me....by those who claim to love me. it has closed to protect myself when i am triggered, when my feelings get hurt, it is closed when i feel i am on the edge of where the woman i am now is about to put the lock back on the box. i do not want that lock on again. fighting it at times is hard....especially when their are people around who seem to want you to put the lock back on. they are more comfortable with me that way....but i am not. so i guess this random babbling is to say....yes even though i get scared, hurt, and hmmm well bitchy at times :) i am not putting the lock on the box. and one day i hope i can take down the box completely. that is a dream i hold onto....

This was written by a good friend to me....it shouted to my soul.....

Today is special, because your in it. Today is exciting, because you exist in someones thoughts. Today is special because you are in the world. Today might be the only day you have left, might be the only day I have left, might be the only day any of us have left, but if we treat it as though it might be , could be, maybe, our only day to tell the people we care about (and sometimes the people we don't) the things we feel and think and see..then today will be special (Totally Special) and if we awaken on the morrow we should consider, if only for a moment, that we have been blessed with another chance to do the things that mean the most to all......over again. And all of us should at least be thankful for that! And consider for a time....that if all the peoples of the world practiced this (only this) {one simple idea} everyday of their lives all the world would be at peace!!......and love and respect and consideration and honor would be felt and not heard...isn't this what everyone wants in thier lives? ~ SMT 1/9/98

1/98

Sitting here.............
incense burning so soft.....
the soft sensual swirls.....
rising up and dancing in front of my eyes......
the light from the window catching a little wisp making it shine brightly.....
the soft wisps surrounding me.....
soothing me with their aroma and dance....
capturing me....
making me want to dance......
and soothe someone else's soul as it did mine......

the moon will guide all souls that hurt
her light reflects upon us
soothing us with her radiance
leading us to the place we need to be
we have survived the darkness
we will come together in white embracing light
sharing our pain
finding our peace
we will stand strong together
enhance the beautiful moon
we are lights that shine brightly
we will never fade
we will show the way for others who are lost
we are sisters of the moon
~ moonaura nov. 1997

Nov. 7, 1997

The windows are painted black so i am not able to see out.
Not able to see how the world really is.
The doors are locked so that i am not able to walk away.
Not able to walk about the world and live among all.
I am trapped in this prision he has created in my mind ~ that seem of body and soul too.
Not able to break out and escape.
No one can get in without the key.
Not able to find a key ~ so i am alone.
I feel the key has been lost long ago.
Not able to be free.
He has locked me here forever in this terror - torment.

Life moving
World passing
I am standing
I am looking
But am I seeing?
I need to run
Faraway and look again
Then I will see
See my life?
~ moonaura 9/97



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